Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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