Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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