I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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