matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
