I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's never too late to be topless.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
