What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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