Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
