you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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