Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
