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Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
