I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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