they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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