i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
