the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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