ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
