you would pick up someone in the library
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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