wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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