I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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