the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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