o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
