Im at strip club and am horny
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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