where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
