i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
