I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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