Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
