I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
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