Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
