I wish I could punch you in the face.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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