i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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