May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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