Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize