70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
