Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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