my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
