my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
