Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
