I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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