does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
