I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
