Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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