I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
