Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
