Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
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i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
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Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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