I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
