My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
