Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I party with great urgency now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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