you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
