I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
