If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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