Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
