Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Randomize
