I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
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A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
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Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic