Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
