Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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