hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
