1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she pinky promised me she was 18
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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