I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
