Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
