how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
