She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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