Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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