I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
well you can't waste a boner
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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