just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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